Half-man, half-lesbian and born in the driveway of Barbie's Malibu Dream house, I am an enigma and a hero. At the age of five, my village elders sent me on a quest for food before the townsfolk starved to death—I came home with lollipops and gingerbread men. I spent my adolescence running local and state affairs before setting my sights on uniting the world under one flag: the Jolly Roger. No one can best me in a duel so long as I have Mountain Dew to sustain my energy; no revolt can topple me while I hold my Supergirl action figure. I am a man of vision, of talent; my craving for sushi is insatiable and my love of the ladies is close to criminal. I am awesome.